Until now, that is.
I lay here in the comfortable bed in the guest room of my grandparents house at approximately 1 o'clock in the morning and think to myself how thankful I am on this Holiday for the friends, family, and many material blessings that God has decided to give me. He is unfailing in His mercy, and I realize that I need to be more grateful towards Him daily.
However, thankfulness for God's mercy and blessing is not the key point of this entry, although you thought it was going to be.
For I also realize that this year will be the last year I travel with my family to wherever we decide to meet for Thanksgiving, and next year will be the first that I will drive myself home from whatever university God sends me to. I know that I'm going to miss being with my family all the time, and only seeing them in short spurts like weekends and holidays could prove to be quite difficult.
However, the importance of family and homesickness are not the key points of this entry either, although darn it if we're not getting warmer.
Because, through weird thought processes that can only occur at times like 1:20 a.m., I ALSO realize as I lay here that I'm LEAVING the town in which I now live to go to college in about 8-9 months.
LEAVING the town in which I've spent about 9 years living.
LEAVING the friends with which I have been building relationships for 9 years.
LEAVING my family which I've lived with for 18 years.
Just dropping everything I've known for years, off to discover a new world and start new relationships.
And these thought processes have brought me to these questions:
How are people going to remember me when I leave this place?
When all my friends see my face in the yearbook or old pictures, what will be the first thought that pops into their head?
Who am I going to BE when May rolls around the corner?
Who am I right NOW?
And these questions are all very pressing to me, because May IS just around the corner, the end of my time here is nearing (as depressing as it sounds to say it), and...
I just don't necessarily want to be remembered just as I am right now.
Not that I'm a BAD person by any means, but by taking a step back and looking at who I am now, I can see that there are things that I can improve on. I need to stop cursing, I need to get some things right with both God and some friends in my life, and I need to rediscover who I am and who I want to be.
It is always important (in my opinion) to do routine checks on yourself and ask questions similar to those that I have been asking myself, no matter what point in your life you may be at. If you don't, you start to lose your perception on who you are by letting yourself "go with the flow" a little too often, letting your values, beliefs, and individuality run together with those of the people around you.
Even if you don't care what other people think about you or what kind of person others perceive you as (which, to me, is kind of silly, because deep down, everyone does), ask these questions for the sake of yourSELF. Give yourself a sense of peace and pride by making absolute SURE you are every inch the person you want you to be.
This self-evaluation is especially imperative if you are at a serious turning point in your life, as I am. Like I said, I'm turning over an entire new leaf come May, and I want to #1) have the confidence that I lived my time in high school in a way that is both memorable and admirable, and #2) be sure that I'm solid and confident in who I am so I won't get swept away by the college tide.
Ours is a generation that professes to be full of "individuality" and "uniqueness," but this confuses me, because we don't do these self-checks near as often as we should be. After all, how can you be an "individual" if you completely lose sight of who that individual is?
until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment